Ashley, Please Stop Crying.

     

"Ashley, You're strong - Don't cry." These are the words one of my colleagues said to me while I stood in the middle of a classroom with about 20 students in front of me and 2 more colleagues off to the side. "I know" I responded; I said I wasn't going to cry...

     

     How do I put into words what the (approximate) 582 days with my "kids" have been like. Its been a rollercoaster. Extreme bouts of happiness, joy, sadness, defeat, uncertainty, excitement and appreciation in addition to indescribable emotions have been felt these past 2 years at site. I came into this situation with some teaching practice behind me in various capacities, yet nothing prepared me for the experience that I was about to embark on when I walked into school on September 1, 2015. However, even the brief moment of reflection from that moment, that I had when I walked into school on September 5, 2016 was drastically different. I knew my kids, I had a rhythm, my counterpart was amazing and I had the last year to grown from. Even with all the reflection and being present, nothing prepared me for June 23, 2017. 

     Personally, and honestly, I have had lots of personal uncertainty during my Peace Corps experience. "Was I meant to be here, was I being appreciated, was I making a positive impact, am I strong enough to endure this"? - were all questions that produced themselves throughout my service. Yet something kept me here. Through being simultaneously annoyed, mentally checked out at times and frustrated with the happenings of my Peace Corps life I remained dedicated and persistent in my task. It didn't take me long to realize why. My kids! My students. They were (so weird to put it in past tense) my driving force throughout my service. The smiles, hugs, those invisible lightbulbs when they actually understood something, the laughter - usually at me and my silliness, their questions and enthusiasm just to see and say hello to me. They were and are my why. 

I came to Peace Corps for my students. For those that would follow me home just to have a small conversation, or just to say they were (awkwardly) in my presence {You walk 10 ins home with up to 10 3-8 graders behind you just following you pa fjalet - without words- and you tell me how YOU feel}. 

For those students who never really believed in their English abilities, but now understand me when I speak and they can respond in a confident manner. The students who are just excited to get a "Hello.../ Good Morning/ see you tomorrow etc". Now don't be confused, this is not some rant to glorify myself and say how awesome I am. Far from it. I just realized and am accepting the role I played in helping another generation. Two years of misunderstanding and tears; laughter and high-fives and the occasional hug is what got me here. 

     So rewind it back to the last week of school. We were able to celebrate our School Day - which is a tradition of celebrating the schools founding date throughout schools in Kosovo- on June 20. Usually there is dancing, a short program and special guests. That day I saw the smiles of my students and how they just enjoyed and celebrated where they are. That moment truly touched me. Looking from the upstairs window, out into the courtyard while 200+ students danced, sang, took pictures, smiled and just enjoyed the place they are being educationally reared. No words can describe that feeling and the energy that pulsated throughout the school that day. Now, fast forward to Friday, I had been planning on doing something for the kids and I settled on letters- letting them know my hopes and dreams for them, as well as how much they impacted me in my time here, I felt was the best "gift" I could give them. The day finally came to distribute the letters and I don't know if the kids really understood what work went into the letters, or why - to me- they were so important. So I handed out the letters, let the kids talk with me and we took pictures.

 Then the time came for me to go and I gave each one who came a "final hug" and about half way through I just start crying. I wasn't expecting to. Yet two years of laughter, yelling and/or screaming, proud moments, high fives, awkward pauses, lack of understanding and so much more led me here. To "Good-bye". I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions and memories which were saturating my thoughts while I battled to "stay present" and enjoy this moment with my kids. Yet, despite my attempt, I just let it go. I allowed the tears to flow. I tried to stop but something in me just said "no." 

Now, Kosovar culture isn't the most emotionally open, and my emotionally in-tune self with my bursts of excitement, or sadness and very evident displays of how I am feeling stick out like a sore thumb. However, to me, it was important for my kids to see my emotions. To know - THEY are the ones that caused this display of emotions for me. They impacted ME. I told them, I said I wouldn't cry, and its not that I am sad, I am just going to miss them. Even that explanation is completely wrong. Even trying, to write this blog causes me to want to delete it all and start from scratch. But words will never be able to effectively describe what these 2 years, five hundred and eighty plus days, emotions, letters and feelings mean. 

When I "imagined" my last day of school, this wasn't what I pictured. It would be fun, maybe some cake, laughs, music and hugs and pictures. It was pretty, it was possible, but it was a dream. You spend up to three months preparing yourself to integrate, learn and be part of a community (communities) but what about when you leave? This is the part they can't adequately prepare you for. Peace Corps does its best to get you ready, trained and culturally aware to serve in your host country; yet they can't prepare you on how to act, respond and experience when it is time to leave. You get a quick de-brief at your close of service, but how do you effectively start to sever ties, and close out relationships? You don't - or at least you can't. You do your best to prepare and then.... Well, then we will just see how it goes. Time for me to start figuring it out myself....

So until the next time, shihemi....

- Ashley

Where've you Been?

    I've been MIA, it has been a really busy second year thus far. It's the last month of the year and many new things have been progressing on this side of the Atlantic. I have a little over 8 months left in-country - AMAZING! So, being that I live in a majority Muslim country, the "holiday season" takes on a different feeling and meaning here. You have similar "figures" as in america, yet it is slightly different. For example, New Years is the big celebration here and families gather together, do their celebratory shooting at the stroke of midnight and bring in the new year eating, talking and celebrating their time together. We all know Father Christmas, well here it's Father Winter. The Christmas Tree is the New Years Tree, and we have Holiday Markets not Christmas Markets (You get my drift here, no?).
     But on to more exciting news. I had the opportunity to attend a TV Show taping here in Kosovo. It was a really cool experience, and I went with the Youth Center in the big town near my village because a friend of mine, who volunteers there, invited me to go with them. I was under the impression we were going to a theater show, but I Was surprised when I arrived and she said we were going to be on Television; so now I am forever recognized on the street, in stores and among even Albanian Diaspora as "the girl that was on Oxygen" - because I need more recognition in this country hahaha! In October, in collaboration with GAD (Gender, Advocacy Diversity) Committee and Kosovo Youth Council of the US Embassy, I participated in a female empowerment program called Start the Spark!, Start the Spark! is an initiative to help empower, enlighten and bring together young Kosovar women across age, ethnic and religious lines, to recognize their similarities and create a spark in terms of how they can work together to advance mutual interests for the benefit of themselves and their country. It was a 3 day program and an awesome opportunity to meet beautiful, intelligent young women who have bright dreams and futures. Additionally, I started volunteering with this AWESOME orphanage in the capital. It is an international non-profit that provides various services for not only the orphans they have in care, but also for those who are at risk of becoming orphans, as well as provide events for the community. It is amazing all of the programs and the impact this organization has had in a short time. I'm so grateful and excited to be working with them and volunteering with their babies because who DOESN'T love getting and giving love to young children :) . Plus, I have also been working on a grant for my school and now it is submitted, and now WE WAIT to see if it will be approved and we can get the new bookcases we need for the library. *positive energy please* Lastly, I've worked with the Access Program which is a State Department sponsored program to help students progress in English and understanding of American values, ideals and history. PHEW that is a lot hahaha! But more is to come, there are still things a brewing but school and all these activities have me busy, speaking of which I have more grading to do. So you know the deal, Here are some pictures from the show and other happenings that have happened. Until next time readers :)

Peace and Love
 - Ashley

On the set of the Oxygen show

Set of Oxygen

Waiting for the Kombi and some students at my school wanted to take a picture :)

Some of the young ladies at Start the Spark!

Halloween with ACCESS students 

Some fellow English Colleagues and I waiting for our students during the English Competition  

Marigona and I with the show's host Besim. 

Marigona, Arlinda and I

Arlinda and I at the Oxygen Show

Some of the kids and staff at the orphanage playing around.

OH sa mire te kam qene ne Shqiperia!

I was attempting to wait until the complete end of my summer travels to blog one big blog BUT I cant, because my Trip to Albania was Fan-Tabulous! I had the greatest of times in Albania, between my travel buddy, the food and the scenery and options, Albania is definitely worthy of the term “hidden gem”.

I spent 4 days at a hostel in Saranda, Albania which is a coastal city in the south. Saranda is interesting in that it is very city, but right next to the hustle and bustle there are kilometers of rocky, clear blue and green Adriatic water and FULL of Umbrella and sunscreen-clad sun seekers. We spent four days in Saranda, two of which we did day trips to nearby areas, The Blue Eye Spring and Gjirokaster. The opportunities form Saranda are AMAZING and the views are beautiful! The first day in Saranda, we stayed strictly on the beach, This trip was for food and relaxation and that is exactly what we did. Cocktails, food, sea and lots of sun, I am sure I am about 7 shades darker from that hot Albanian sun. We also enjoyed AMAZING seafood Albania’s waters had to offer us. We ate like Superstars and splurged every evening on treats such as fresh grilled octopus in a white cream sauce and grilled stuffed squid with fresh salad and great wine and cocktails. (Foodies will love this area of the world!)

While in Saranda, we did a day trip to the Blue Eye, in Albanian, Syri I Kalter. It is a spring which, from the top, looks like the iris and surrounding area of an eye which is where the spring gets its name, The center of the spring is at least 50 meters deep and pushes you up when you jump in, but what wasn’t told was just how COLD the water was! The reason everyone has these photos sans people is because you jump in and after about 30 seconds, your body starts freezing the water is so cold. We met this super sweet Aussie couple when we were at the hostel who accompanied us to the Blue Eye and it was awesome hearing about them and their travel experiences thus far. You can check out their blog here if you wish to see their travels in and around the world thus far J We hiked (it felt like it in that 90 something degree heat and dusty road, it was about 2km worth of walking sooo yes HIKE!) to the Blue eye and jumped right in! We saw an (what seemed to be) abandoned church at the entrance, and explored that some before walking to the Spring. Once we enjoyed the spring and the AWESOME photo opportunities this natural wonder offered we stopped at a Monastery which is being restored and got some beautiful views of villages just outside Saranda and the construction process for the monastery.

Our second day trip to Gjirokaster took us on an unexpected tour of the variances of Albania’s landscape and we went from coastal beach town to arid, dry almost desert areas in the process of an hour. Gjirokaster is situated at the bottom of mountains which meet to form a wide dry valley. It is a beautiful and intriguing site which, to get to, you take Winding, up and down mountain roads, along the sides of mountains that range from luscious trees and greenery to jagged rocks and steep cliffs. Gjirokaster is a city that has been in existence for over 2500 years, and has an old and new city. The old city is situated more into the mountain, whereas the new city goes from the bottom of the mountain into the valley. There is a stark contrast when you are walking down one of the major roads between the two areas that you know you cross from old to new city. There is a beautiful Kalaja – Albanian for castle/fortress that sits atop the old city and looks out into the valley. The fortress is fairly complete and was the first complete fortress I have been to in Eastern Europe up until this point. It was used as a location to hold weapons for the Albanian army. In addition to the complete Kalaja, there is a World War Two airplane in an outdoor area that you have COMPLETE access to.

Overall Albanian proved to be an amazing choice and I definitely have plans to further explore, not just southern, but all of Albanian in the future. The people were sweet (knowing Albanian and the expressions/reactions which That caused were PRICELESS), food was Amazing, destinations were endless and overall just an amazing trip. Ill post a comprehensive summer travel blog after my final trip and another post of all Photos :)

Happy Summer!

Mansions, Pools and Privilege too

Alton Sterling. Philando Castile.

     These are two names of the 100's of black lives that have been killed in America by police in 2016 alone. These men and all those who have lost their lives to police brutality are more than hashtags. They are ALL worthy of more than a day(s) plus of a breaking news story. All of them, in their most basic form, are HUMANS. A living, breathing, feeling being; a person with a family, friends, loved ones who were and live on as more than a statistic of being shot down by police. At the core of the issue as well is one of them could have easily been ME.
     I am PRIVILEGED, and my privilege smacked me in the face on July 9th. As I read over Facebook post, news articles, tweets and messages between fellow volunteers of color, I became angry. Why was this happening again? Does NO ONE see our humanity, do they not understand that black lives are being ATTACKED and MURDERED on American streets for the whole world to see, here goes another case without a conviction. I wanted to get up and do something, let my voice be heard and my humanity to be seen, and in that moment my privilege smacked me, all 25 plus years of it. Who was I to be upset when there I was sitting in a foreign land, at a beautiful house, lounging by the pool. Me and my degree, my "great" upbringing, my world traveling. Who was I to be upset about anything?! Well here is the thing, despite all the experiences, education and "connections" I may have, I can easily be one encounter away from being a hashtag on someones timeline simply because of my melanated epidermis. Another volunteer and I had this conversation and the point we came to was the same as above, except for us we could be labeled a black returned peace corps volunteer killed by police, instead of black woman killed by police. Even with that we know that all aspects of our life would be investigated, and despite the fact that we served our country to promote peace and bridge gaps, the fact that we are serving in a majority Muslim country could be used against us, the fact that our neighborhoods in country are majority Muslim could be used to spin a story of "ISIS connections" or any other ridiculous comment to paint us in a negative light. But if we are the victims why would WE or whoever the victim is be investigated? Why does the person who is no longer living become subject to scrutiny, rather than the offending officer? What about their past, their family history, THEIR run in with the system or citizens? But this is what being black in America is like - never good enough and in some way deserving of whatever misfortune comes to you. So how do I explain to my host families, my friends what is it like to be Black in America? Conversely, how do I explain to my family and friends in America what its like to be Black in Eastern Europe? My current home, but a place where I am perceived with curiosity, misunderstanding and judged to be something other than what I am. A place where my character, behavior and experiences are not relegated based upon face to face interaction, but rather what they see on television, which is full of American programs, and portrays me as either someones "baby mama", a loud/crazy, neck rolling, attitude having woman, or someone who is promiscuous - but ultimately just my skin. Do you see the issue with that? The fact that a lot of interactions I have are based upon my hair or my skin, and sometimes people just can't get past that. They don't really want to know my experiences but want to understand why I am "different" and why I am here. But me just being isn't enough, it always has to be related to my blackness. Constantly stuck in a place where my epidermis is what defines me, my interactions my life.

     As a black woman, I live a very privileged life, however, I also live a life of having to constantly prove, explain and show myself not only "worthy" but also as being more than what I am portrayed to be. I am tired though. Tired of having to jump through so many hoops. There is a serious problem in American institutions as well as in the overall American psyche about what it means to be Black. Being Black to me is about having a unique history. Its about being innovative, progressive, family and community oriented, being able to grow and flourish from concrete. Its about wanting to break barriers and leave them behind, about being accepted and spreading love. My job as a PCV is more than whats stated in a manual or brochure. It is about breaking down stereotypes associated with me and showing people how to love treat, enjoy and respect one another (Though I am still working on a baby I know who after a year still gets scared when he sees me :-/ ). I don't want to be the "standard" for which all people of color are judged, but I do want to be the standard for which all people "like me" are respected.

     My privilege is sometimes burdensome, but in other moments it provides me with unique opportunities to meet people in a manner others don't have the ability to. I will continue to learn to wear my privilege proudly and will use it to make a change, even if it doesn't allow me to make differences where I want, a difference can be made. That keeps me going because others weren't afforded the opportunity to even acknowledge theirs, so for that I must continue work that is bigger than me.
So we don't forget here are some of their names: Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Mike Brown and all those who the news cycle didn't acknowledge - Love.

 - Ashley

Bajramit i Dyte

     Per Hajr Bajramit! Happy Bajram. The end to the holiest month in the Islamic Calendar, Ramdan, Bajram is a huge fest for Muslims all across the world. This year I am officially at my permanent site and celebrated Eid-al-Fitr with my entire host family. The process of preparing for Bajram begins days earlier with the baking of cakes, buying of treats and a THOROUGH cleaning, washing and preparation of each house for guests.
    This year Bajram was a little different for me because I (attempted to) fast. Now let me add my disclaimer here where I say the INTENT was the whole month of Ramadan, HOWEVER, the inner foodie in me and the fact that I was traveling changed those plans. I did however fast for about 8 days. Add to the fact that for the first 3/4 days my host father would ask me every morning if I was still fasting, to which I replied yes - I assume he thought I wouldn't make it past day one, so I would say that I did pretty darn good :) When fasting the "rules" are no food or drinking during daylight hours, and you can eat and drink from sundown and until before sunrise which ranged everyday from various minutes between 3:10-3:30am. As someone who had never fasted in this manner before, I spent the first 2-3 days drinking small amounts of water throughout the day to ease my body into fasting (at the recommendation of some Muslim friends). After which I complied fully to the rules and abstained from food and drinking during daylight hours. When friends, family and people in my community learned that I was fasting the response was usually the same. First a gasp and people asking "Really, you're fasting? Why?" followed by, pure excitement and encouragement for attempting to experience their culture. I told my students and it was ALL the rage to where the next morning in school my students were THOROUGHLY informed of my decision. When my host grandmother learned I was fasting I was met with lots of hand grabbing, smiles and shume mire's (oh, and the news QUICKLY spread throughout the family and to any bystander of my fasting). Though I only fasted for a week I truly came to appreciate a variety of things and learned some things as well.
     First thing I learned is I have a lot of self restraint. Having to be around people who are eating and drinking while you are not is hard, even harder when you're a self-proclaimed foodie and the smell of Laknire goes wafting through the air, but you enter this kick-ass mental state of blocking out such actions and learning to talk to your body (or at least I did). To my surprise, the first few days were easiest and the longer I fasted the harder it became - NO one warned me of this. You become very aware of your body and you are extremely fatigued while fasting. When Bajram began, school was still in session so I would wake up, go to work come home and nap, depending on the day it was 1.5-3 hours at a time (and you're STILL tired after so it is truly exhausting on your body) then I'd go and socialize with family until it was time for Iftar (the breaking of the fast).
     The second thing I learned is you have to really dive into trying new things to gain appreciation. I remember as a kid when Lent (the holy time for Christians where we prepare for the resurrection of Jesus Christ) would come and I would hate having to choose something to give up. Fast forward to now and I appreciate this time so much more. Fasting made me realize how I want to be a better volunteer, Christian and be a better version of myself. I have recently been on an in-depth self evaluation and doing the fast revealed a variety of things and helped me to delve deeper into myself and my mindset. While doing self evaluation I also reflected on my service and saw opportunities for growth and made realizations as well.
     Third realization is that I have become closer to my Muslim friends and we had discussions about their religion and it gave me a deeper understanding and respect for who they are and what they believe. I have never been one to shy away from learning about religions, but this experience has caused me to be more explorative in my own religion as well as that of others. I wish people would take the time to really see how you can learn and grow from other religions instead of using this difference to segregate and vilify each other. Their is beauty in the differences, as well as the similarities. To group a religion together because you lack understanding or contact creates the environment for ignorant comments, ideas and personifications to occur. So I implore people to do their research, talk to someone and just accept those differences and promote peace. You would be surprised what you learn about them and yourself ;-){Sorry, rant done.}
     The holy month of Ramadan brings together all Muslims to reflect, recenter and rededicate themselves to their faith. Being blessed with the opportunity to share in such an experience has given me more perspectives and respect for this culture. Below are some photos during Bajram from my time with my family and again Happy Bajram to all my Muslim friends!

 Attempting to get my host sis to take a picture with me

 Brunch is served! 

 Family siting around talking, enjoying each others company

 "My girls" and I 

 Family at my Host Aunt's house

 Host mama and my host aunt (#besties)

 Host Mom pressing out the Rollal

Even my host brother helped out, crushing Biscuits! :)

Typical dessert plate served at every house you visit! (from R-L: Rollal {Which I helped make}, Bakllava, mini Rollal without filling and Torta) 

Until Next Time

 - Ashley

Excurzion

On Saturday I went with my ninth graders (and some of my seventh graders) on a Class trip to various cities/sites in Kosovo to celebrate the end of their middle school career. I was so excited to attend this trip with "my kids" (I use quotations because people here have taken that to mean I birthed them instead of my love for the kids I teach - oops for the literal translation hahaha) and get this last adventure with them. I didn't realize until we were returning home just how much these young hearts have impacted me, and how much I really love my students. Despite it all, they definitely made my first year of Peace Corps service an true experience, but I couldn't have asked for a better class to go on this trip with! I hope they've been impacted by me just an ounce of how much they have made an impact on me.

Now that I've been a complete sap, for this excursion we went to Istog, Drini i Bardhe, Rugova, a restaurant in Gjakove, and Prizren. The trip overall was amazing fun, I got to learn new things about my students and see more of the beautiful country I call my home. So below find some pictures (and videos!) from our adventure and enjoy!

Some of my ninth graders and I

 My seventh grader and I

 My Host sister and I in Rugove

One of my coworkers and I

View from the Kalaja in Prizren, looking toward the city 

(those are my students standing on the wall)

 Viewing the Burimi in Istog

Nature's Beauty in Rugova

 Dancing outside Drini i Bardhe

Some of my Ninth grade girls and I

 My school's Director (Principal) enjoying the festivities in Prizren

Students and teachers dancing

 Teacher adn student dancing together in Prizren

Two of my ninth grade boys and I

 Another teacher, student and I

7th graders and I squinting in Prizren!

My students caught me sleeping (it happens)

 My boys.

More of my ninth graders  

Drini i Bardhe, Kosovo

 Posing in Rugova

 One of the views while driving in Rugova

 Waterfall in Rugova

 Selfie stick photo gone wrong in Prizren, with most of my ninth grade girls!

 

My students persuaded this couple to finish their break so we could get some dancing in, Albanian style - Prizren.