Ashley, Please Stop Crying.

     

"Ashley, You're strong - Don't cry." These are the words one of my colleagues said to me while I stood in the middle of a classroom with about 20 students in front of me and 2 more colleagues off to the side. "I know" I responded; I said I wasn't going to cry...

     

     How do I put into words what the (approximate) 582 days with my "kids" have been like. Its been a rollercoaster. Extreme bouts of happiness, joy, sadness, defeat, uncertainty, excitement and appreciation in addition to indescribable emotions have been felt these past 2 years at site. I came into this situation with some teaching practice behind me in various capacities, yet nothing prepared me for the experience that I was about to embark on when I walked into school on September 1, 2015. However, even the brief moment of reflection from that moment, that I had when I walked into school on September 5, 2016 was drastically different. I knew my kids, I had a rhythm, my counterpart was amazing and I had the last year to grown from. Even with all the reflection and being present, nothing prepared me for June 23, 2017. 

     Personally, and honestly, I have had lots of personal uncertainty during my Peace Corps experience. "Was I meant to be here, was I being appreciated, was I making a positive impact, am I strong enough to endure this"? - were all questions that produced themselves throughout my service. Yet something kept me here. Through being simultaneously annoyed, mentally checked out at times and frustrated with the happenings of my Peace Corps life I remained dedicated and persistent in my task. It didn't take me long to realize why. My kids! My students. They were (so weird to put it in past tense) my driving force throughout my service. The smiles, hugs, those invisible lightbulbs when they actually understood something, the laughter - usually at me and my silliness, their questions and enthusiasm just to see and say hello to me. They were and are my why. 

I came to Peace Corps for my students. For those that would follow me home just to have a small conversation, or just to say they were (awkwardly) in my presence {You walk 10 ins home with up to 10 3-8 graders behind you just following you pa fjalet - without words- and you tell me how YOU feel}. 

For those students who never really believed in their English abilities, but now understand me when I speak and they can respond in a confident manner. The students who are just excited to get a "Hello.../ Good Morning/ see you tomorrow etc". Now don't be confused, this is not some rant to glorify myself and say how awesome I am. Far from it. I just realized and am accepting the role I played in helping another generation. Two years of misunderstanding and tears; laughter and high-fives and the occasional hug is what got me here. 

     So rewind it back to the last week of school. We were able to celebrate our School Day - which is a tradition of celebrating the schools founding date throughout schools in Kosovo- on June 20. Usually there is dancing, a short program and special guests. That day I saw the smiles of my students and how they just enjoyed and celebrated where they are. That moment truly touched me. Looking from the upstairs window, out into the courtyard while 200+ students danced, sang, took pictures, smiled and just enjoyed the place they are being educationally reared. No words can describe that feeling and the energy that pulsated throughout the school that day. Now, fast forward to Friday, I had been planning on doing something for the kids and I settled on letters- letting them know my hopes and dreams for them, as well as how much they impacted me in my time here, I felt was the best "gift" I could give them. The day finally came to distribute the letters and I don't know if the kids really understood what work went into the letters, or why - to me- they were so important. So I handed out the letters, let the kids talk with me and we took pictures.

 Then the time came for me to go and I gave each one who came a "final hug" and about half way through I just start crying. I wasn't expecting to. Yet two years of laughter, yelling and/or screaming, proud moments, high fives, awkward pauses, lack of understanding and so much more led me here. To "Good-bye". I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions and memories which were saturating my thoughts while I battled to "stay present" and enjoy this moment with my kids. Yet, despite my attempt, I just let it go. I allowed the tears to flow. I tried to stop but something in me just said "no." 

Now, Kosovar culture isn't the most emotionally open, and my emotionally in-tune self with my bursts of excitement, or sadness and very evident displays of how I am feeling stick out like a sore thumb. However, to me, it was important for my kids to see my emotions. To know - THEY are the ones that caused this display of emotions for me. They impacted ME. I told them, I said I wouldn't cry, and its not that I am sad, I am just going to miss them. Even that explanation is completely wrong. Even trying, to write this blog causes me to want to delete it all and start from scratch. But words will never be able to effectively describe what these 2 years, five hundred and eighty plus days, emotions, letters and feelings mean. 

When I "imagined" my last day of school, this wasn't what I pictured. It would be fun, maybe some cake, laughs, music and hugs and pictures. It was pretty, it was possible, but it was a dream. You spend up to three months preparing yourself to integrate, learn and be part of a community (communities) but what about when you leave? This is the part they can't adequately prepare you for. Peace Corps does its best to get you ready, trained and culturally aware to serve in your host country; yet they can't prepare you on how to act, respond and experience when it is time to leave. You get a quick de-brief at your close of service, but how do you effectively start to sever ties, and close out relationships? You don't - or at least you can't. You do your best to prepare and then.... Well, then we will just see how it goes. Time for me to start figuring it out myself....

So until the next time, shihemi....

- Ashley

Mansions, Pools and Privilege too

Alton Sterling. Philando Castile.

     These are two names of the 100's of black lives that have been killed in America by police in 2016 alone. These men and all those who have lost their lives to police brutality are more than hashtags. They are ALL worthy of more than a day(s) plus of a breaking news story. All of them, in their most basic form, are HUMANS. A living, breathing, feeling being; a person with a family, friends, loved ones who were and live on as more than a statistic of being shot down by police. At the core of the issue as well is one of them could have easily been ME.
     I am PRIVILEGED, and my privilege smacked me in the face on July 9th. As I read over Facebook post, news articles, tweets and messages between fellow volunteers of color, I became angry. Why was this happening again? Does NO ONE see our humanity, do they not understand that black lives are being ATTACKED and MURDERED on American streets for the whole world to see, here goes another case without a conviction. I wanted to get up and do something, let my voice be heard and my humanity to be seen, and in that moment my privilege smacked me, all 25 plus years of it. Who was I to be upset when there I was sitting in a foreign land, at a beautiful house, lounging by the pool. Me and my degree, my "great" upbringing, my world traveling. Who was I to be upset about anything?! Well here is the thing, despite all the experiences, education and "connections" I may have, I can easily be one encounter away from being a hashtag on someones timeline simply because of my melanated epidermis. Another volunteer and I had this conversation and the point we came to was the same as above, except for us we could be labeled a black returned peace corps volunteer killed by police, instead of black woman killed by police. Even with that we know that all aspects of our life would be investigated, and despite the fact that we served our country to promote peace and bridge gaps, the fact that we are serving in a majority Muslim country could be used against us, the fact that our neighborhoods in country are majority Muslim could be used to spin a story of "ISIS connections" or any other ridiculous comment to paint us in a negative light. But if we are the victims why would WE or whoever the victim is be investigated? Why does the person who is no longer living become subject to scrutiny, rather than the offending officer? What about their past, their family history, THEIR run in with the system or citizens? But this is what being black in America is like - never good enough and in some way deserving of whatever misfortune comes to you. So how do I explain to my host families, my friends what is it like to be Black in America? Conversely, how do I explain to my family and friends in America what its like to be Black in Eastern Europe? My current home, but a place where I am perceived with curiosity, misunderstanding and judged to be something other than what I am. A place where my character, behavior and experiences are not relegated based upon face to face interaction, but rather what they see on television, which is full of American programs, and portrays me as either someones "baby mama", a loud/crazy, neck rolling, attitude having woman, or someone who is promiscuous - but ultimately just my skin. Do you see the issue with that? The fact that a lot of interactions I have are based upon my hair or my skin, and sometimes people just can't get past that. They don't really want to know my experiences but want to understand why I am "different" and why I am here. But me just being isn't enough, it always has to be related to my blackness. Constantly stuck in a place where my epidermis is what defines me, my interactions my life.

     As a black woman, I live a very privileged life, however, I also live a life of having to constantly prove, explain and show myself not only "worthy" but also as being more than what I am portrayed to be. I am tired though. Tired of having to jump through so many hoops. There is a serious problem in American institutions as well as in the overall American psyche about what it means to be Black. Being Black to me is about having a unique history. Its about being innovative, progressive, family and community oriented, being able to grow and flourish from concrete. Its about wanting to break barriers and leave them behind, about being accepted and spreading love. My job as a PCV is more than whats stated in a manual or brochure. It is about breaking down stereotypes associated with me and showing people how to love treat, enjoy and respect one another (Though I am still working on a baby I know who after a year still gets scared when he sees me :-/ ). I don't want to be the "standard" for which all people of color are judged, but I do want to be the standard for which all people "like me" are respected.

     My privilege is sometimes burdensome, but in other moments it provides me with unique opportunities to meet people in a manner others don't have the ability to. I will continue to learn to wear my privilege proudly and will use it to make a change, even if it doesn't allow me to make differences where I want, a difference can be made. That keeps me going because others weren't afforded the opportunity to even acknowledge theirs, so for that I must continue work that is bigger than me.
So we don't forget here are some of their names: Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Mike Brown and all those who the news cycle didn't acknowledge - Love.

 - Ashley

A Year in Kosovo!

On June 7, 2015 I arrived on Kosovar soil, and it has been a crazy, growing, exciting, interesting year. When I arrived in Kosovo, I would have never guessed that I would experience and participate in such a variety of things. Being here has definitely stretched me as a person, and provided me with new realizations, viewpoints, friends and perspectives. Add to the fact that our new group has finally arrived, I feel it important to list some growing points/accomplishments which have occurred thus far in my service.

Growing Points

1. Expect the Unexpected
• During my Training and my first year of service there were many events and happenings that were, and still are, out of my control. As someone who loves to be in control, I can be honest about it :) , adjusting to this Peace Corps lifestyle ha(s)d its hard moments however, there is beauty and strength that arises from not always being in control of things. I am not submitting the idea that its an easy transition, or an enjoyable one; rather I am saying it is one that shows your true character and causes you to pause and think about you, your reactions and your actions.
2. Learning a new Culture
• Being immersed in a new culture where you live with families is something beautiful and stressful. If you are a highly independent person this can cause you to feel stressed and annoyed sometimes however, those moments get outweighed by family gatherings, correctly done cultural moments, feeling included and many other things. Don't be dismayed if even a year and some change in you still commit cultural faux-pas because everything is a learning experience, Right? I say that to say, no matter how long or how much you think you know, unless born into these societies there will always be something to learn, and something new to experience. Just go along for the ride and ask for lots of forgiveness
3.  Becoming comfortable with standing out
• This point is something which I am still dealing with. As a minority in this country, I receive a lot of attention, especially unwanted attention. When I first started my service, everyday was a battle ground of emotions - majority negative- when it came to how people received and perceived me in this country. I am and have learned that the only thing I can control is my response and how I do or do not allow these people to effect my personal peace and sanity. Not everyone means it in a malicious manner, I have encountered those who have meant it that way, but most intent boils down to curiosity or ignorance. Curiosity can stem from my complexion, my hair, (as I have been told) my beauty, my gender, nationality and a variety of other factors. Other times it has been from the idea of what is portrayed on television is taken as fact/truth and I must react accordingly. It is hard to be perceived and defined and received by such a skewed outlook but that is part of the reason I decided to join the Peace Corps (though I didn't realize just how hard the role of "change agent" would be).
4. Lack of Understanding
• This extends beyond just HCN (host country national) to PCV (Peace Corps Volunteer). This includes staff, volunteers, friends and family stateside and so many people in-between. Lack of understanding goes for expressions, responses, culture, food, people, actions etc. The nuances which define each person individually and in the larger social/cultural context. You have to be willing to put biases, prejudices, rejections to the side to continuously strive for understanding and tolerance.
5. Being Open
• Personally, I still deal with this growth point because I, for some time during my service, had developed a shell towards the people in my host country because of the reception I received, I no longer wanted to be hurt or feel uncomfortable, so I developed a demeanor and standard reactions/practices to counter what I was experiencing. I am currently working on reworking those actions and being more open because I do not want the actions of the few to define the many. It is a lot harder than it sounds, and demands an active mental, physical and emotional consciousness to counteract my pre-programmed response. Doing this "revamp" (which can in part be attributed to the ICD&I conference I attended -  here is the link for that post) helped me to realize that I needed to make that change and be open to my community again.

Accomplishments

1. Learning a new language
•  I think I have said this before, but let me say it again - ALBANIAN IS HARD/DIFFICULT/ANNOYING/ is a Culturally Entrenched Language. I still feel like I am fighting an uphill battle, with moments of clarity and great talking and other times I forget the basics. IT happens! To everyone, but I can navigate within a foreign language and country. Ashley, you're a #boss
2. PenPals
• When asked what was the highlight of school for me, besides finishing the school year (1 week and 3 days left!) I would say successfully facilitating a pen-pal exchange with my seventh graders and Girl Scouts in America. The joy letters and Girl Scout cookies bring is amazing, and the fact that I was able to be the common thread between two cultures, people and traditions is an amazing accomplishment. Lets be honest though, Girl Scout cookies = LIFE! so its not hard to see how that was a happy moment.
3. Exposure
• The hardest part of my service, but also the most rewarding. When you can change someones outlook on a group of people by just existing (GASP! I know it happens though) is such a beautiful thing and feeling, though also makes you aware of just how much work is left to create equity and equality in our world.
4. Diversity training
• Having the honor to attend the diversity training helped me not only in my outlook of my service, but I know assisted staff and other volunteers in learning how to deal with a variety of differences and issues in country.
5. PSN Member
• PSN is a volunteer support network run by volunteers to help assist each other through the ins and outs of our Peace Corps service. 
6. Finding happy Moments 
• A long overdue laugh, a hug, attending a powerful event, being invited somewhere. All of these things, though seemingly minuscule, can really have the most positive of effects on a volunteers outlook and mood. So making and being actively involved in these happy moments make life as a PCV that much more enjoyable.
7. Surviving
• I survived winter, summer, spring and fall in Kosovo! Through ups, downs and round-a-bouts WE (family, friends, supports, volunteers and staff) have made it a year together. So cheers to approximately 12 months down and 14 more months of the continuous growing experience that is my Peace Corps Service. Also thank you to everyone supporting me from home, those known and unknown and for reading my blog! Hope you get just a taste and are enjoying all the winding road with me.

Gezuar!

 - Ashley <3 

"It's not about what I can get, it's about what I can give." - Marie Forleo