Ashley, Please Stop Crying.

     

"Ashley, You're strong - Don't cry." These are the words one of my colleagues said to me while I stood in the middle of a classroom with about 20 students in front of me and 2 more colleagues off to the side. "I know" I responded; I said I wasn't going to cry...

     

     How do I put into words what the (approximate) 582 days with my "kids" have been like. Its been a rollercoaster. Extreme bouts of happiness, joy, sadness, defeat, uncertainty, excitement and appreciation in addition to indescribable emotions have been felt these past 2 years at site. I came into this situation with some teaching practice behind me in various capacities, yet nothing prepared me for the experience that I was about to embark on when I walked into school on September 1, 2015. However, even the brief moment of reflection from that moment, that I had when I walked into school on September 5, 2016 was drastically different. I knew my kids, I had a rhythm, my counterpart was amazing and I had the last year to grown from. Even with all the reflection and being present, nothing prepared me for June 23, 2017. 

     Personally, and honestly, I have had lots of personal uncertainty during my Peace Corps experience. "Was I meant to be here, was I being appreciated, was I making a positive impact, am I strong enough to endure this"? - were all questions that produced themselves throughout my service. Yet something kept me here. Through being simultaneously annoyed, mentally checked out at times and frustrated with the happenings of my Peace Corps life I remained dedicated and persistent in my task. It didn't take me long to realize why. My kids! My students. They were (so weird to put it in past tense) my driving force throughout my service. The smiles, hugs, those invisible lightbulbs when they actually understood something, the laughter - usually at me and my silliness, their questions and enthusiasm just to see and say hello to me. They were and are my why. 

I came to Peace Corps for my students. For those that would follow me home just to have a small conversation, or just to say they were (awkwardly) in my presence {You walk 10 ins home with up to 10 3-8 graders behind you just following you pa fjalet - without words- and you tell me how YOU feel}. 

For those students who never really believed in their English abilities, but now understand me when I speak and they can respond in a confident manner. The students who are just excited to get a "Hello.../ Good Morning/ see you tomorrow etc". Now don't be confused, this is not some rant to glorify myself and say how awesome I am. Far from it. I just realized and am accepting the role I played in helping another generation. Two years of misunderstanding and tears; laughter and high-fives and the occasional hug is what got me here. 

     So rewind it back to the last week of school. We were able to celebrate our School Day - which is a tradition of celebrating the schools founding date throughout schools in Kosovo- on June 20. Usually there is dancing, a short program and special guests. That day I saw the smiles of my students and how they just enjoyed and celebrated where they are. That moment truly touched me. Looking from the upstairs window, out into the courtyard while 200+ students danced, sang, took pictures, smiled and just enjoyed the place they are being educationally reared. No words can describe that feeling and the energy that pulsated throughout the school that day. Now, fast forward to Friday, I had been planning on doing something for the kids and I settled on letters- letting them know my hopes and dreams for them, as well as how much they impacted me in my time here, I felt was the best "gift" I could give them. The day finally came to distribute the letters and I don't know if the kids really understood what work went into the letters, or why - to me- they were so important. So I handed out the letters, let the kids talk with me and we took pictures.

 Then the time came for me to go and I gave each one who came a "final hug" and about half way through I just start crying. I wasn't expecting to. Yet two years of laughter, yelling and/or screaming, proud moments, high fives, awkward pauses, lack of understanding and so much more led me here. To "Good-bye". I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions and memories which were saturating my thoughts while I battled to "stay present" and enjoy this moment with my kids. Yet, despite my attempt, I just let it go. I allowed the tears to flow. I tried to stop but something in me just said "no." 

Now, Kosovar culture isn't the most emotionally open, and my emotionally in-tune self with my bursts of excitement, or sadness and very evident displays of how I am feeling stick out like a sore thumb. However, to me, it was important for my kids to see my emotions. To know - THEY are the ones that caused this display of emotions for me. They impacted ME. I told them, I said I wouldn't cry, and its not that I am sad, I am just going to miss them. Even that explanation is completely wrong. Even trying, to write this blog causes me to want to delete it all and start from scratch. But words will never be able to effectively describe what these 2 years, five hundred and eighty plus days, emotions, letters and feelings mean. 

When I "imagined" my last day of school, this wasn't what I pictured. It would be fun, maybe some cake, laughs, music and hugs and pictures. It was pretty, it was possible, but it was a dream. You spend up to three months preparing yourself to integrate, learn and be part of a community (communities) but what about when you leave? This is the part they can't adequately prepare you for. Peace Corps does its best to get you ready, trained and culturally aware to serve in your host country; yet they can't prepare you on how to act, respond and experience when it is time to leave. You get a quick de-brief at your close of service, but how do you effectively start to sever ties, and close out relationships? You don't - or at least you can't. You do your best to prepare and then.... Well, then we will just see how it goes. Time for me to start figuring it out myself....

So until the next time, shihemi....

- Ashley

Politics of Being Woman

“Worse than receiving actual harassment is the near-constant feeling of anticipation or expectation of harassment. It’s this feeling of being on guard at all times. This culture of fear has been created for me, and it makes me feel unsafe in my surroundings even when I’m not actively being harassed or bothered. I notice that I avoid eye contact with men when I am in public. I walk past groups of men with my eyes glued to the ground, hoping that if I don’t look up they won’t speak to me. I turn the volume up on my headphones, hoping to drown out any stray comments or whistles that may come my way. I’m alert and always aware of the person that’s approaching me or sitting next to me. I would consider this behavior paranoid, except that it’s continually proven to me that I have reason to be worried about being harassed.”[1]

- Britni de la Cretaz

These words by Britni de la Cretaz, when read struck a chord, as I am sure it has with many other women. We have all felt the emotions described above and at some point or continuously have thoughts of “please don’t look at me”, “Am I promoting harassment with my clothing?” or even “maybe I only look good if I am “hit on/harassed” by men. My service has provided me with more awareness to the over-sexualization and misogynistic tendencies men have toward women, especially women of color abroad. Firstly let me describe the previously mentioned terms:

Sexualize - make sexual; attribute sex or a sex role to

Misogyny – the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, hostility, male supremacist ideas, belittling of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.

Harassment - unwelcome and inappropriate verbal or physical conduct, or coercive behavior, where the behavior is known or reasonably ought. to be known to be unwanted or welcome

These terms, especially lately, have been used to describe the position women hold in the minds of some men and the actions of said men. As a female I have been subjected to such catcalls, harassment and unwanted touching. During my service I have experienced moments where the shape of my body and having curves has made me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable due to comments by a range of men from elders down to thirteen and fourteen year old boys. They have made crude and inappropriate comments that have made me feel as if I was promoting promiscuity or dressing in a way that was socially deemed inappropriate (despite being clothed “appropriately” when these situations occurred). I am also aware that because of the globalization of hip-hop culture and cultural stereotypes of black and American women, I receive that much more interest as something “exotic and foreign”. Add on to that how women are portrayed in music videos and talked about in songs you have a setup for promoting women only being sexual beings for a man’s pleasure. I have heard stories from fellow female volunteers who have said they were outright propositioned for sex. Why this behavior is considered acceptable among men and boys boggles me. Why do we allow the future generation of men to regard women as sexual beings and shame/comment on their appearances when women express their sexuality in the same breath. I recently read an article which stated that over 30% of Kosovar women feel it is acceptable for men to verbally harass them, that it is NORMAL. A women’s desirability should not be placed on her sexuality, or lack thereof. The harassment I have encountered has made me more of a feminist and allowed me to realize that there is still so much that needs change in societies across the globe.

I know recently there have been big debates about comments and actions made by celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose and Ayesha Curry (to name a few) about what are acceptable actions and fashion for being a “respectable” woman. We all have our preferences, rather it be more or less modest on dressing and actions. My question is why, even as fellow women, do we demean each other for our actions. We are quick to call each other a hoe, prude slut without understanding we have the ability as well as the right to be multi-faceted, sexually aware beings. Say for instance, if I decide to dress conservatively during my 9-5 and then wear clothes which accentuate my womanly features; why am I demonized for loving, exploring and embracing all facets of myself? I won’t sit here and lie and say I haven’t been that person at some point who has questioned if not commented on another women’s wardrobe choice. However, I have come to the realization, no matter what a woman does or is, she shouldn’t be criticized, demonized and /or diminished to a single facet of herself which society deems it is acceptable for her to be. Every woman has a variety of selves and her most denied, yet desired being is her sexual self. Women should be encouraged and supported by each other to comfortably express all their “selves” and embrace how each creates the whole stunning, impressive, magical, mold shattering masterpiece each women is. 

     In connection with me service thus far, and my perception of Kosovar village society, women are expected to be show pieces. Only shown off with and for men, yet otherwise virtually unseen. I perceive it as the silencing of women’s experiences and struggles, literally and figuratively. It is interesting how women have tried to react against such circumstances. For example, I know a woman who has faced some “backlash” if you would call it for being a “modern woman” – working, married and successful. Some feel she is not doing her wifely duties because she is out working and doing something she loves. She assists with housework, serving and cooking when possible but most is done by her mother-in-law as it is tradition for new wives to move into her husband’s house, who usually still lives with his parents. Her wifely duties have also been commented on in terms of what it takes to keep her husband satisfied and how she is perceived to have “a lot of work to do” because he is a bigger man. Additionally, remarks were made referring to her wardrobe because as she is now married she should dress more “elegantly” instead of wearing what she does. Add on to that the constant reference to a woman’s weight and size, which I and countless other women (including the women formerly mentioned), have had referred to (you’re getting /are fat is a constant comment heard around Kosovo even if the woman is on the smaller size). Women are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough it seems. I have mentioned to a friend of mine how I am surprised more Albanian women don’t have eating/self-esteem disorders because of all the politics involving their physical appearances in this society. 

I just want to instill in my girls, that they are enough. No matter what society, family or even friends dictate, being themselves is enough. Embracing differences instead of creating flaws, loving every size and creating a culture of female acceptance and importance is what is needed. We need to de-stigmatize a woman who is completely self-aware and embrace that woman and all she offers. Women and men need to stand up and stand together against misogyny and promoting self-hate of women and learn to encourage love and support each other for who and what they are, what how they express their womanly experience.

“Every part of me is a vision of a portrait… of Mona Lisa, Every part of me is beautiful, And I finally see I'm a work of art, A masterpiece, And now I see the pretty colors on my canvas, I'm a work of art, a Mona Lisa, I'll share my picture with the world, Not afraid to let it show anymore”

Masterpiece – Jazmine Sullivan

- Ashley

Below are some links to short articles involving rape and sexual harassment culture in Kosovo

http://www.balkaninsight.com/en/article/sexual-harassment-rampant-in-kosovo-survey-02-22-2016

http://prishtinainsight.com/rape-culture-culture/

http://www.pri.org/stories/2016-02-24/young-women-kosovo-are-writing-code-fight-harrassment

http://foreignpolicy.com/2016/02/22/the-rape-victims-of-kosovo-bosnia-commission/?utm_content=buffer01fa6&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

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[1] http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/09/self-care-street-harassment/

Half Year Update!

Six months ago today, I walked down the jet bridge and onto a flight that would bring me to my current destination, Kosova. I have officially been here for six months and I cant believe time has gone so quickly. It is amazing to think how different my life is now and all the events and opportunities that have occurred and still have yet to occur. Speaking of events, let me bring you up to speed on what has been occurring since my last post.

1. IST - We just had our IST (In Service Training). IST is when your group of volunteers get back together and discuss issues, successes, get new ideas and just enjoy being with your cohorts again. My favorite things about IST (besides my friends) The sauna, the shower and THE BED - Oh My Goodness, that bed made me (and my back) extremely happy. But in all seriousness it was a good reprieve from everyday life and to get some new tips of the trade etc.

2. Thanksgiving - My first Thanksgiving abroad. I co-taught with another volunteer and then we prepared a small (very small) version of thanksgiving dinner. It was nice to spend some time with her and her family, as well as getting the opportunity to test my from scratch kitchen skills (not too shabby if I do say so myself). On Saturday we went to a staff members house and had a "traditional" American Thanksgiving - Turkey (even one from Mongolia - Woo Hoo!) and trimmings included. Almost all of the volunteers got together and we all cooked (or brought) something. It was a really nice get together and having some type of American food is always a plus.

3. Winter Break - 2 weeks away and all I can do is sit in excitement. I get to see my parents after 6 months away, and it is one of the best feelings. In addition to my visit with my parents, another volunteer and I have plans to do a quick vacation, before we both see our parents. I am excited for the opportunity to visit new (and old) places and create new memories. Plus, I will forever having the pleasure of knowing I am the reason my parents FINALLY went to Europe :)

4. School - After being away for a week from "my kids" (my students) I am missing those loveable, adorable yet loud children hahaha. I can't wait to see them and get updated on all their lives (which will probably be very limited changes from I went to see my Uncle to maybe I saw my aunt this weekend - doesn't matter - still love them the same).

Between competitions and a mini snow storm and normal day to day activities Ksovo is definitely keeping me busy. Hopefully I can at least keep up with one entry a month, because even that seems to be a tad much now haha!

Shihemi (see you soon)

Hajde ne Shkolle! (Come on to School!)

It has been a hectic couple of weeks here in Kosovo and they're only going to get busier (Hello holiday and idea season). All the volunteers are being productive and we are doing great things in this evolving country. I have been wanting to do a new post, and have had a variety of ideas but decided to focus on my experience thus far in the Kosovar School System.
     Going into my 2nd month of school there are so many differences that I see in my local community's school than I experienced back in the states. For one the school day. In my village we only have one schedule - 40 minute classes beginning at 8:50am and ending at 1:50pm (but it is usually more like 1:45pm). Most other schools usually have a morning and an afternoon shift because there isn't enough room for all the kids to attend at the same time (each class already usually houses anywhere from 25-35 students in my experience). The schools do not have a cafeteria in them, everyone eats at home, and there is a small market close to the school for the students to grab a snack during their 15 minute break halfway through the school day. There is no front office, students, teachers, parents, all go in and out freely, without much, if any, supervision. It is a much more relaxed setup than in 'The States. I have experienced students leaving their 2nd period in order to go "have a girls day" in the nearby town, walking into an empty classroom because students decided they wanted to visit a sick friend during the school day and great future lawyers who will try to bargain with a teacher to give them a 5 (an A) and they will participate more, otherwise they won't and will take the 4 (insert side-eye). These of course are just some of the most drastic things I have dealt with. For the most part the students are similar to the U.S. - the younger they are, the more enthusiastic haha! When it comes to respect students refer to their teachers as "Teacher/Mesues/Arsimtare". You won't find a Mr. so and so or Mrs./Ms. anywhere. Anytime an adult enters the room or opens a door, or a student is picked to speak you will see young bodies standing to greet and speak. Personally, I still tell my students to sit down as soon as I get in the room - it weirds me out seeing them standing for me, almost like I am the Commander-in-Chief or something HAHA! So one random fact that was told to me by a few teachers in Kosovo, they think the USA has 52 states, like the books even say so (insert big eyed emoji here) so I spent one free period going through my geography teachers book in my school to see if I could help if there were any "typos" which I didn't find - yet. When it comes to English, a lot of students \have difficulty because of the teaching style, so I  and my counterpart have taken a different approach to what the norm was for our students. As of right now, Jeopardy is a HUGHE hit and so is Pictionary. My biggest struggle is that after school all students just go home. There aren't any after school programs in my village for them to continue to foster their relationships and grow new skill sets etc.
     The school system here, in my village, we do not have starter schools (think Pre-K and Nursery). The students start at Kindergarten or 1st grade, and stay with the same group of students their entire primary career (for example whoever is in your homeroom is who you have every class with for the next 10 years in that school). Also, students do not change classrooms, teachers do - so much for worrying about classroom decorations ha!. Also there aren't any Special education, honors or advanced classes in the Primary school. This was something that showed me just how hard it is to be a teacher here because if you are a student here you can easily be left behind or bored if you have a learning issue or get bored in class because the coursework is too easy. Working with multi-level classrooms is very interesting and stressful at the same time and you often wonder how much students really understand and retain throughout the day.
   I would love to continue this post but that is all I can think of for now, it is late in Kosovo and I have a full day at work tomorrow, until next time Naten e Mire!