“Worse than receiving actual harassment is
the near-constant feeling of anticipation or expectation of harassment. It’s
this feeling of being on guard at all times. This culture of fear has been
created for me, and it makes me feel unsafe in my surroundings even when I’m
not actively being harassed or bothered. I notice that I avoid eye contact with
men when I am in public. I walk past groups of men with my eyes glued to the
ground, hoping that if I don’t look up they won’t speak to me. I turn the
volume up on my headphones, hoping to drown out any stray comments or whistles
that may come my way. I’m alert and always aware of the person that’s
approaching me or sitting next to me. I would consider this behavior paranoid,
except that it’s continually proven to me that I have reason to be worried
about being harassed.”[1]
- Britni de la Cretaz
These words by Britni de la Cretaz, when read struck a chord, as I am
sure it has with many other women. We have all felt the emotions described
above and at some point or continuously have thoughts of “please don’t look at
me”, “Am I promoting harassment with my clothing?” or even “maybe I only look
good if I am “hit on/harassed” by men. My service has provided me with more
awareness to the over-sexualization and misogynistic tendencies men have toward
women, especially women of color abroad. Firstly let me describe the previously
mentioned terms:
Sexualize - make sexual; attribute sex or a sex role to
Misogyny – the hatred or dislike of women
or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual
discrimination, hostility, male supremacist ideas, belittling of women,
violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.
Harassment - unwelcome and inappropriate
verbal or physical conduct, or coercive behavior, where the behavior is known
or reasonably ought. to be known to be unwanted or welcome
These terms, especially lately, have been used to describe the position
women hold in the minds of some men and the actions of said men. As a female I
have been subjected to such catcalls, harassment and unwanted touching. During
my service I have experienced moments where the shape of my body and having
curves has made me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable due to comments by a range
of men from elders down to thirteen and fourteen year old boys. They have made
crude and inappropriate comments that have made me feel as if I was promoting promiscuity
or dressing in a way that was socially deemed inappropriate (despite being
clothed “appropriately” when these situations occurred). I am also aware that because
of the globalization of hip-hop culture and cultural stereotypes of black and
American women, I receive that much more interest as something “exotic and
foreign”. Add on to that how women are portrayed in music videos and talked
about in songs you have a setup for promoting women only being sexual beings
for a man’s pleasure. I have heard stories from fellow female volunteers who
have said they were outright propositioned for sex. Why this behavior is
considered acceptable among men and boys boggles me. Why do we allow the future
generation of men to regard women as sexual beings and shame/comment on their
appearances when women express their sexuality in the same breath. I recently
read an article which stated that over 30% of Kosovar women feel it is acceptable for
men to verbally harass them, that it is NORMAL. A women’s desirability should
not be placed on her sexuality, or lack thereof. The harassment I have
encountered has made me more of a feminist and allowed me to realize that there
is still so much that needs change in societies across the globe.
I know recently there have been big debates about comments and actions
made by celebrities such as Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose and Ayesha Curry (to
name a few) about what are acceptable actions and fashion for being a “respectable”
woman. We all have our preferences, rather it be more or less modest on
dressing and actions. My question is why, even as fellow women, do we demean
each other for our actions. We are quick to call each other a hoe, prude slut
without understanding we have the ability as well as the right to be
multi-faceted, sexually aware beings. Say for instance, if I decide to dress
conservatively during my 9-5 and then wear clothes which accentuate my womanly
features; why am I demonized for loving, exploring and embracing all facets of
myself? I won’t sit here and lie and say I haven’t been that person at some
point who has questioned if not commented on another women’s wardrobe choice.
However, I have come to the realization, no matter what a woman does or is, she
shouldn’t be criticized, demonized and /or diminished to a single facet of
herself which society deems it is acceptable for her to be. Every woman has a
variety of selves and her most denied, yet desired being is her sexual self. Women
should be encouraged and supported by each other to comfortably express all
their “selves” and embrace how each creates the whole stunning, impressive, magical,
mold shattering masterpiece each women is.
In connection with me service thus far, and my perception of Kosovar village
society, women are expected to be show pieces. Only shown off with and for men,
yet otherwise virtually unseen. I perceive it as the silencing of women’s
experiences and struggles, literally and figuratively. It is interesting how
women have tried to react against such circumstances. For example, I know a
woman who has faced some “backlash” if you would call it for being a “modern
woman” – working, married and successful. Some feel she is not doing her wifely
duties because she is out working and doing something she loves. She assists
with housework, serving and cooking when possible but most is done by her
mother-in-law as it is tradition for new wives to move into her husband’s house,
who usually still lives with his parents. Her wifely duties have also been
commented on in terms of what it takes to keep her husband satisfied and how
she is perceived to have “a lot of work to do” because he is a bigger man. Additionally,
remarks were made referring to her wardrobe because as she is now married she
should dress more “elegantly” instead of wearing what she does. Add on to that
the constant reference to a woman’s weight and size, which I and countless
other women (including the women formerly mentioned), have had referred to (you’re
getting /are fat is a constant comment heard around Kosovo even if the woman is
on the smaller size). Women are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough
it seems. I have mentioned to a friend of mine how I am surprised more Albanian
women don’t have eating/self-esteem disorders because of all the politics
involving their physical appearances in this society.
I just want to instill in my girls, that they are enough. No matter
what society, family or even friends dictate, being themselves is enough. Embracing
differences instead of creating flaws, loving every size and creating a culture
of female acceptance and importance is what is needed. We need to de-stigmatize
a woman who is completely self-aware and embrace that woman and all she
offers. Women and men need to stand up and stand together against misogyny and
promoting self-hate of women and learn to encourage love and support each other
for who and what they are, what how they express their womanly experience.
“Every part of me is a vision of a portrait… of Mona Lisa, Every
part of me is beautiful, And I finally see I'm a work of art, A masterpiece, And
now I see the pretty colors on my canvas, I'm a work of art, a Mona Lisa, I'll share
my picture with the world, Not afraid to let it show anymore”
Masterpiece – Jazmine Sullivan
- Ashley
Below are some links to short articles involving rape and
sexual harassment culture in Kosovo
