Mansions, Pools and Privilege too

Alton Sterling. Philando Castile.

     These are two names of the 100's of black lives that have been killed in America by police in 2016 alone. These men and all those who have lost their lives to police brutality are more than hashtags. They are ALL worthy of more than a day(s) plus of a breaking news story. All of them, in their most basic form, are HUMANS. A living, breathing, feeling being; a person with a family, friends, loved ones who were and live on as more than a statistic of being shot down by police. At the core of the issue as well is one of them could have easily been ME.
     I am PRIVILEGED, and my privilege smacked me in the face on July 9th. As I read over Facebook post, news articles, tweets and messages between fellow volunteers of color, I became angry. Why was this happening again? Does NO ONE see our humanity, do they not understand that black lives are being ATTACKED and MURDERED on American streets for the whole world to see, here goes another case without a conviction. I wanted to get up and do something, let my voice be heard and my humanity to be seen, and in that moment my privilege smacked me, all 25 plus years of it. Who was I to be upset when there I was sitting in a foreign land, at a beautiful house, lounging by the pool. Me and my degree, my "great" upbringing, my world traveling. Who was I to be upset about anything?! Well here is the thing, despite all the experiences, education and "connections" I may have, I can easily be one encounter away from being a hashtag on someones timeline simply because of my melanated epidermis. Another volunteer and I had this conversation and the point we came to was the same as above, except for us we could be labeled a black returned peace corps volunteer killed by police, instead of black woman killed by police. Even with that we know that all aspects of our life would be investigated, and despite the fact that we served our country to promote peace and bridge gaps, the fact that we are serving in a majority Muslim country could be used against us, the fact that our neighborhoods in country are majority Muslim could be used to spin a story of "ISIS connections" or any other ridiculous comment to paint us in a negative light. But if we are the victims why would WE or whoever the victim is be investigated? Why does the person who is no longer living become subject to scrutiny, rather than the offending officer? What about their past, their family history, THEIR run in with the system or citizens? But this is what being black in America is like - never good enough and in some way deserving of whatever misfortune comes to you. So how do I explain to my host families, my friends what is it like to be Black in America? Conversely, how do I explain to my family and friends in America what its like to be Black in Eastern Europe? My current home, but a place where I am perceived with curiosity, misunderstanding and judged to be something other than what I am. A place where my character, behavior and experiences are not relegated based upon face to face interaction, but rather what they see on television, which is full of American programs, and portrays me as either someones "baby mama", a loud/crazy, neck rolling, attitude having woman, or someone who is promiscuous - but ultimately just my skin. Do you see the issue with that? The fact that a lot of interactions I have are based upon my hair or my skin, and sometimes people just can't get past that. They don't really want to know my experiences but want to understand why I am "different" and why I am here. But me just being isn't enough, it always has to be related to my blackness. Constantly stuck in a place where my epidermis is what defines me, my interactions my life.

     As a black woman, I live a very privileged life, however, I also live a life of having to constantly prove, explain and show myself not only "worthy" but also as being more than what I am portrayed to be. I am tired though. Tired of having to jump through so many hoops. There is a serious problem in American institutions as well as in the overall American psyche about what it means to be Black. Being Black to me is about having a unique history. Its about being innovative, progressive, family and community oriented, being able to grow and flourish from concrete. Its about wanting to break barriers and leave them behind, about being accepted and spreading love. My job as a PCV is more than whats stated in a manual or brochure. It is about breaking down stereotypes associated with me and showing people how to love treat, enjoy and respect one another (Though I am still working on a baby I know who after a year still gets scared when he sees me :-/ ). I don't want to be the "standard" for which all people of color are judged, but I do want to be the standard for which all people "like me" are respected.

     My privilege is sometimes burdensome, but in other moments it provides me with unique opportunities to meet people in a manner others don't have the ability to. I will continue to learn to wear my privilege proudly and will use it to make a change, even if it doesn't allow me to make differences where I want, a difference can be made. That keeps me going because others weren't afforded the opportunity to even acknowledge theirs, so for that I must continue work that is bigger than me.
So we don't forget here are some of their names: Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Mike Brown and all those who the news cycle didn't acknowledge - Love.

 - Ashley

Another Training?

About a month ago I was asked by PC Staff if I wanted to attend a training on diversity and I accepted. I had no information on what to expect besides it will be in Pristina and take a whole day. So when the day came I was excited to see what exactly would be the topics of discussion and how those discussion were going to be facilitated. The Intercultural Competence, Diversity & Inclusion (ICD&I) Training was given by facilitated by two Peace Corps Staff members from Washington, and I couldn't have even expected what had occurred after. 

We arrived to the hotel the day before our training, so we could meet the facilitators and get to know them a little. Both facilitators are Returned Peace Corps Volunteers (RPCVs) and seemed really interested in getting to know who we were and where we stood as currently serving volunteers. The day of the training we began with a slideshow, simply outlining what they did as PC HQ Staff and what the purpose of their work was. We began with an activity describing the difference between equity and equality; the difference being quality is that all people get the same thing (not necessarily comfortable or fitting) and equity is getting the same thing but it is comfortable and effective. The activity was switching shoes of participants to show the differences. We also learned participated in activities where we identified pictures that defined our values and self descriptors, an activity called freeze and also a conversation activity where we talked about single stories and things which made us uncomfortable. in addition to activities our sessions included watching a TedTalk by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche, and discussing topics such as approaching differences, how to properly identify culture differences (i.e. Power distance, context culture, communication etc.)

Throughout all of these sessions and activities there were shifts in the feeling of the room. We were really able to be vulnerable with each other and realize that everyone is fighting a battle, rather it appears physically or not. Because the room involved volunteers from a variety of minority groups, LGBT, Racial and religious differences, it allowed us to get different perspectives, and have some uncomfortable conversations. I want to applaud Peace Corps for creating this initiative and allowing volunteers and staff to come together and learn how to better addresss the needs and wants of a variety of volunteers, rather than just one specific type of volunteer. Not only does it assist volunteers, but it helps to allow staff to recognize their own prejudices etc. 

One effect of our training, for me, was  being left with an influx of emotions that I hadn't dealt with up to that point, or even realized that I was experiencing. I discussed my emotions, problems, and solutions with staff and I could see how they could also identify better with me after their diversity training, which was awesome!. 

I really enjoyed having the opportunity to learn, grow and experience with my fellow volunteers. Attending the training also helped me to understand how our various experiences in various communities affects each volunteer adn our outlooks. Most importantly1 Week and 3 days until my 1 year anniversary of arriving in country! We are getting there!

Don't sleep on yours (life) because there's beauty in the struggle - J. Cole

Passion... Or was that Purpose?

What do you want out of life?  (Persistent life question)

I was recently talking to a friend and discussing purpose and passion. What do you want? What do you enjoy? What is your God ordained purpose and gift to your fellow humans? Some people spend a lifetime searching for their purpose, their passion, their “meaning”. 27 months of a nontraditional lifestyle provides lots of time to sit and ponder anything your mind can fathom. As many 20-somethings I have had the dreaded “What will I do with my life question?”. Unlike some people, my life has usually been consistent and I’ve (usually) had a game plan. This is the first time in my life I have the “what next” question. I’ve only had 3 career choices my entire life, up until this point. First was a lawyer (I loved to argue and politics – then I found I didn’t want to compromise my morals), then a teacher (passionate about children and education, also building upon my love of social studies) and up until now working in the Foreign Service (first hand experiences with “social studies topics” and travel- best of both worlds). Now, after experiencing teaching and some of my passions, I have a little debacle. What will my next step be and ultimately, what is my purpose. Before heading out on my Peace Corps service, I had started the search for my purpose. I knew what things I liked and gravitated towards, but I hadn’t quite figured out my purpose. That, or I am looking too much into figuring it out – I am an analytical person, so I like thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more about things. I have many ideas of things I would like to do but I don’t know if I am supposed to be doing them or simply they are ideas… My friend got me thinking, which caused me to write in my journal and led to this blog, and it is just a general question – What is the best way to find your purpose. First I say let’s distinguish passion from purpose as many get them confused, yet they are intertwined.

Purpose (as defined by Merriam Webster) - the reason why something is done or used: the aim or intention of something: the feeling of being determined to do or achieve something: the aim or goal of a person: what a person is trying to do, become, etc

Passion (as defined by Merriam Webster Dictionary) - a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something : a strong feeling (such as anger) that causes you to act in a dangerous way

Many people believe that their purpose has to be their profession. Wrong (my opinion). You can have passion for something and that be your job and your side hustle is your real purpose. Passion simply means you will gain enjoyment from it. In some cases, something you are good at (purpose) isn’t as inspiring as your passion, but (in my opinion) as long as you are executing both, you are providing something of value to this world. Personally, I want something fulfilling and something that I am ordained to do. That when I do it, I get that certain glow, you see why I do what I do and that there are lives being touched form my work. My Peace Corps work gives me a certain level of satisfaction from time to time, however, I want more for myself, and my abilities. I have experienced moments where outsiders see more in me at times, than I do in myself. Sometimes that is necessary, but at the end of the day you should always see the most and the best in yourself. Those outside parties 1- may not be there to provide a push that has been placed inside you, or 2-may revert to a “nay-sayer” and try to dissuade you from accomplishing something massive/impactful in the lives of others. I want to be that woman who 1- breaks down barriers, 2- creates a pathway for others and 3- leaves a sustainable (Peace corps word #1) impact in this world.

So how does one find their purpose? I honestly don’t know. Some stumble upon it by a chance encounter. Others know from a young age. The majority, I think, develop into it. You find that you have something that you keep being drawn to and that is what you grow and develop in.

My quest in my two years in Kosovo, in addition to my Peace Corps duties, are to learn the most about myself and define my life’s purpose at this point. The ideal situation for me is to leave my Peace Corps Service with a defined idea of my future or, at least, my next steps. I believe my Peace Corps experience is setting me up for my future. All of the thinking has just allowed me to better develop a mindset and sense of direction I wouldn’t have been able to get in the United States. My suggestion for those still on their “purpose quest” is to focus inward. Don’t be afraid to be “selfish” and figure out the inner workings of yourself. Not only for your purpose, but just so you can fully develop into the man/woman you are meant to be and take your realized talents to progressive levels.
Let's take this progressive journey together... until the path of purposefulness is found, shihemi se shpejti (See you soon).

 

Love,

Ashley <3