Pre-departure Nervousness

So considering that Kosovo is about oooh 12 days away, I will address my top 5 things I am a little nervous about when I depart.

1 - LANGUAGE
     Like I have previously mentioned, the Albanian language is something that will be completely new and foreign to me. I think I am most nervous about the impact of not being able to communicate in the manner I want to and the lack of understanding that will be going on. The language barrier can be so daunting and having to deal with it especially in a new country you sometimes just want to say screw this and book your flight home. But I REALLY want to overcome this hurdle to prove to myself I can do it. As much as I am nervous about it, I am also awaiting that one breakthrough moment when I can WOO_SAH and say yes I understood someone and they understood me. I think that more so comes from when I studied abroad and even though I was attempting to learn German it never really came to a point where I could really comprehend what I was hearing mainly because so many people there are learning English and when they hear your American accent they want to practice on you *side eye*.

2 - BEING ACCEPTED IN COUNTRY
     As a minority it is a little thought in the back of your mind wondering if you will be subject to hate, ignorance, misunderstanding, not being viewed as "American" all because of the amount if melanin in your skin. I have heard from different people that they were referred to in a negative manner or felt uncomfortable in some fashion but that is a risk you take regardless of where you decide to serve and it is something you sign up for, but that doesn't make the realization of it any less "comforting". Also, if they feel you are un-American, it could be a little hard to do your work and have the respect of your community and those around you.

3-  LEAVING MY FAMILY
     Now as much as I am thoroughly excited about Kosovo, I am not looking forward to leaving my family for two plus years. I am part of a large, loud, loving, exciting, growing and supportive family. If one fails we all hurt, if one succeeds we ALL succeed and celebrate (very well at that may I add hahaha). So to leave the US and know that I am going to miss birthdays, graduations, several births and just the physical aspect of my family is saddening to me. (Missing thanksgiving last year was the most heartbreaking and saddening thing for me, I was so depressed lol, judge away I don't care - you've never spent time at my family house) However, there is some reassurance in hearing how proud my family members are of me and how I have 1000 percent of their support, love and prayers.

4- HOMESICKNESS
     When I was studying abroad in college, I was so excited to spend that time away and visiting different countries, but I got a huge amount of homesickness where I was depressed, having an enormous amount of negative feelings and hated my decision to study abroad. Those feelings felt so insurmountable and I am dreading if I become subject to them again. I know I will get past it however those two weeks were so rough for me.

5 - MAKING AN IMPACT'
     Many PCVs go into service expecting to change their entire village and to have just this crazy impact on another country. Now I don't have THOSE expectations but I am unsure if all the work I do will really change anything, if even my presence will make a difference. One of my goals in life is to have a great and positive impact on someone's life where its changed in a positive manner and creates subsequent positive ripples. Because you can not immediately see the impact your PC work will have that is something you may not immediately , or ever, know. But I hope I have a positive impact and someone's life is changed positively because of my decision to volunteer.

Oh, Staging is almost here!

     Last Tuesday I received my email all about staging. I was SO excited I nearly screamed (no like really, in the middle of my office while a meeting was being conducted- great self control hahaha). With the few, but immense amount of details given (PC sure knows how to keep you coming back for more) I finally felt the "This is it" moment. about five minutes after, I was paralyzed with anxiousness (not the good kind either) like a kid who got hit in the face too hard with a dodge ball and is trying to figure out if they want to cry, fallout or scream. I couldn't quite understand why after a year and a half of the "Peace Corps Process" I would get that one email everyone waits for and be on the verge of tears shortly after reading it... it didn't make sense. But then I realized what really comes with receiving that email. Coming to the realization that in less than 30 days you will be in a new country, with new people and desperately trying to understand and speak in a language {Albanian/Gheg} that to you sounds like a German-Hebrew language mash-up on steroids (please take no offense to those who know any of the previously mentioned languages, you guys are awesome!) Then you start thinking about missing those family events, the increase in long distance relationships with friends and family and being "on your own" for really the first time in your life *insert gasps here*. Now now, I have been away to college - where my cousin was already a student, and have been living on my own - with roommates- since graduation, so in actuality though I thought otherwise, I was never really ALONE. That thought scares the begesus out of me (is that how you spell it?). I realized that whatever comes out of this new experience will be completely dependent on me. I have no one to call in case of emergency, nor somewhere to escape when it gets to be "too much". When most come to the realization of that they would be on the next thing smoking, but I am looking forward to it. I can not WAIT for the ability to really spread my wings and start to develop into the young woman I am meant to be. To have an impact, though it be small, and to say I did that, just me will probably be one of the most rewarding things in my life. Peace Corps will not be a bed of roses - please don't get that idea - but the process of growth that occurs in those formative moments, that pressure can either turn you from a rock to dust or create a diamond... well I am prepared to be one of the most polished diamonds when I return so world - Watch out!

     Despite my being a little uneasy about the unknown, I know PC will be an amazing experience and I am SO excited about it! I can not wait to meet the rest of K2 (Kosovo 2 - we will be the second group ever in country) and experience this new roller coaster with them. So as I get ready to depart I just keep reminding myself - This is just a long see you soon, not a good-bye... {thanks Sky ;) }

Countdown: T Minus 25 Days!

May Day

Kosovo is officially 35 Days away...

     I also OFFICIALLY have my medical clearance *Que the marching band*. Additionally, I put in my notice for my job which was surprisingly well received due to the "positive reasons" for my departure. It has just been a lot of planning and executing and prepping which STILL isn't done. I still have things to do for the NY party... I am supposed to start traveling next weekend and I still need to pack my apartment..... Yeah about that - not looking forward to it. I have started packing my winter clothes that I will be bringing for PC Service and I am finally hip to the MAGIC and God-send that are Space Bags. They are amazing little pieces of gloriousness and I love their inventor(s) - from afar. Otherwise, everything else in life is normal and mundane, including the stalking of the email in search of that Pre-departure information that should hopefully be sent  by next week with all our staging information :)

 

     Actually no I lied. I had an extremely busy week with a friend coming in from out-of-town and doing various tourist attractions around the city. The "highlight" would have to be almost becoming stuck in Baltimore while they were protesting this past Monday. We though the day would be fairly calm considering that Freddie Gray was being laid to rest that day and the family petitioned for no protests - WRONG. We found out shortly after our arrival that protesters were heading toward the Inner Harbor and we went to the East side to grab ab bite at the recommendation of the young ladies who worked at the attraction we were visiting. well we were lucky to depart when we did from Canton because the Water Taxi system was now Shut-down, along with the entire Inner Harbor, due to the protests and some "extra events" that were taking place in the city. Well to make a long story a little shorter we ended up walking approximately 4 miles or so to Penn Station while NARROWLY missing the protesters who we could hear chanting next to the blaring sound of Police Sirens (which seemed more anxious and harsh in the tangible tension of the air).

 

     So that's my story as to some of my exciting week, and I am looking forward to celebrating Peace Corps with my friends this "last weekend" in DC. Its so interesting how time is almost speeding past for me, yet moving so slowly it seems on a daily basis. It is already May and Kosovo is really within my grasp. The emotions, thoughts and anticipation is on such a level its hard to describe. Its almost like trying to concentrate on one sense while having the sweetness of chocolate on your tongue,  smelling an abundance of lavender and lilac in the air, while sitting outside just daydreaming and the sun caresses every inch of your face in warm waves and resisting the urge to let your feet play in the short blades of freshly cut grass.... EVERYDAY - CONSTANTLY! It is exhausting, tempting and delightfully addictive. You're never sure what to think about next, but positive that Peace Corps shouldn't be such a consuming part of your daily mental processes HAHAHA. I think it is too late for me however... Now I just try to make it through moment to moment and bask in my abundance of everyday blessings and enjoyable moments...

 

Until we meet again :-*