Eurocreme*

*DISCLAIMER* These views are MY OWN, as I have experienced them personally and am sharing my perspectives and experiences.

I have written a whole post and realized I needed to start over. When I write my blog I usually just let it flow, but I really want this to come out the right way and to be a point of conversation - if you feel it necessary - and to just enlighten. So let me begin again by starting with this. I love being a Black Woman. (yup, we are going "There" in this post, so if you are (already) uncomfortable you can "leave" here.... {Buh-bye stop by my next post though ;) }

For those that stayed, Thank you!

When I applied and accepted my invitation for the Peace Corps I knew that my ethnicity would be an "issue" or topic of discussion. However I did not realize that it would make me feel as if my entire service is a direct result of it. My first evening in country I was called a Nigger. Yup, just like that. Actually no, what exactly was said to me was "I love Nigger". I had prepped myself that the possibility may occur but not on my first evening in country. When I heard the statement, I didn't hear the "I love" phrase said to me, I heard NIGGER! I literally stopped in my tracks and it felt like every one of my ancestors who live within me cried out from the pain and humiliation they endured to progress for me. I then felt like someone punched me in the face with brass knuckles. My heart literally ached, my mind was racing everywhere, what had I done, I was walking down the street laughing with friends, did I offend someone, was it because they said it "for fun", was it a source of entertainment? This plus other things (insert mental flashes - literally- of Mammy, blackface and jezebel images going through my mind) tormented me everytime I was in that city, and still do. Knowing that I am fair game to be talked and gossiped about, seen as a circus animal or source of entertainment and to just be talked about, makes me want to crawl into a little hole for the next two years at times. Add on the fact that I have natural hair which provides people even more "excuses" to point and laugh and talk about me, its just like Oh, great! Even in family settings I have been talked about by host family members who sat directly next to me laughing, whispering and pointing to my face, my hair, ME. Sounds about maddening doesn't it. To deal with this, along with stares, being followed in stores and every time you go somewhere. That people feel it necessary, and don't see a problem with, yelling things at me and making noises as I walk down the street. So why? Why deal with such things. Well for one, despite how uncomfortable I may feel, I may in some small way be breaking down a barrier(s). I expose people to something other than themselves. I get to teach about my history as a Black-American and my experience (that's a new thing considering we live in a post-racial society and no one thinks we have a race problem.. OK). People want to know EVERYTHING, and they don't always know what we consider "basic knowledge". For example, I taught my host cousin about Nelson Mandela. THE Nelson Mandela, she had never heard of him. We watched a movie on him and I gave background, and at the end was told, this was one of the best movies ever seen, that he was a great man. BREAKTHROUGH. I get to show the cultural diversity within America, that no I don't have to be from Africa to be black. I also get to see the effects of my culture abroad. I get to experience and see first hand perceptions that are held by the outside consumers of American culture.

It is interesting how many in Kosovo pride themselves on the fact that Kosovo is so inclusive and enjoys a multi-ethnic, multi-religious society. Yet I have some of the same experiences as Roma or darker men, women and children in Kosovo. We are marginalized, and though I am an American and that does have some benefit, I do not get the same respect as my fellow volunteers because of my skin. For example during a discussion with a Host country national I was told I was never called the "N" word here and must have been mistaken because Americans are held in high-esteem in Kosovo. That I was never followed in a store because someone thought I was going to steal something, they were just curious, however I was with 7 other Americans and none of them were followed or had anyone "tend" to them while shopping. Racism is still alive and well in Europe and many other places around the world. People just believe, because they have very homogenized societies, that they are inclusive and accepting because of "religious tolerance" which still isn't true because you are separated into communities, areas and those who are marginalized do their best to "stay away" from the majority of society. How people think it is a problem when you, a stranger, walks up to me asking to take a picture (if they even ask) and get an attitude when I respond "No." My blackness does not provide you the opportunity to treat me like your local circus attraction. My blackness doesn't mean that I am any less intelligent or mentally capable to understand and do things. My blackness DOES allow for me to be a strong, motivated, giving and appreciative human being who is aware of the disparities in the world to those with more melanin and say, I want to do something that facilitates awareness and promotes diversity in the face of all the negativity and ignorance that will be a reaction to my action. I want to be here, and I want to share my stories, facilitate cultural exchange, but sometimes people here make it really hard! But at the end of the day, just my presence makes a difference. I am so lucky for that. So I will continue to walk with my kinky hair, melanin-on-fleek (I said it), one of the tallest people on the street head held high, and allow just my presence to be a change agent. I hope there comes a point when people will understand that its rude and ignorant to treat people as a side show attraction, but if not, I will be here to help with the process because the only thing more constant than change, is change!

*Eurocreme is one of the many terms used to describe someone of color: Eurocreme is the chocolate filling put in a croissant by the way.