Alton Sterling. Philando Castile.
These are two names of the 100's of black lives that have been killed in America by police in 2016 alone. These men and all those who have lost their lives to police brutality are more than hashtags. They are ALL worthy of more than a day(s) plus of a breaking news story. All of them, in their most basic form, are HUMANS. A living, breathing, feeling being; a person with a family, friends, loved ones who were and live on as more than a statistic of being shot down by police. At the core of the issue as well is one of them could have easily been ME.
I am PRIVILEGED, and my privilege smacked me in the face on July 9th. As I read over Facebook post, news articles, tweets and messages between fellow volunteers of color, I became angry. Why was this happening again? Does NO ONE see our humanity, do they not understand that black lives are being ATTACKED and MURDERED on American streets for the whole world to see, here goes another case without a conviction. I wanted to get up and do something, let my voice be heard and my humanity to be seen, and in that moment my privilege smacked me, all 25 plus years of it. Who was I to be upset when there I was sitting in a foreign land, at a beautiful house, lounging by the pool. Me and my degree, my "great" upbringing, my world traveling. Who was I to be upset about anything?! Well here is the thing, despite all the experiences, education and "connections" I may have, I can easily be one encounter away from being a hashtag on someones timeline simply because of my melanated epidermis. Another volunteer and I had this conversation and the point we came to was the same as above, except for us we could be labeled a black returned peace corps volunteer killed by police, instead of black woman killed by police. Even with that we know that all aspects of our life would be investigated, and despite the fact that we served our country to promote peace and bridge gaps, the fact that we are serving in a majority Muslim country could be used against us, the fact that our neighborhoods in country are majority Muslim could be used to spin a story of "ISIS connections" or any other ridiculous comment to paint us in a negative light. But if we are the victims why would WE or whoever the victim is be investigated? Why does the person who is no longer living become subject to scrutiny, rather than the offending officer? What about their past, their family history, THEIR run in with the system or citizens? But this is what being black in America is like - never good enough and in some way deserving of whatever misfortune comes to you. So how do I explain to my host families, my friends what is it like to be Black in America? Conversely, how do I explain to my family and friends in America what its like to be Black in Eastern Europe? My current home, but a place where I am perceived with curiosity, misunderstanding and judged to be something other than what I am. A place where my character, behavior and experiences are not relegated based upon face to face interaction, but rather what they see on television, which is full of American programs, and portrays me as either someones "baby mama", a loud/crazy, neck rolling, attitude having woman, or someone who is promiscuous - but ultimately just my skin. Do you see the issue with that? The fact that a lot of interactions I have are based upon my hair or my skin, and sometimes people just can't get past that. They don't really want to know my experiences but want to understand why I am "different" and why I am here. But me just being isn't enough, it always has to be related to my blackness. Constantly stuck in a place where my epidermis is what defines me, my interactions my life.
As a black woman, I live a very privileged life, however, I also live a life of having to constantly prove, explain and show myself not only "worthy" but also as being more than what I am portrayed to be. I am tired though. Tired of having to jump through so many hoops. There is a serious problem in American institutions as well as in the overall American psyche about what it means to be Black. Being Black to me is about having a unique history. Its about being innovative, progressive, family and community oriented, being able to grow and flourish from concrete. Its about wanting to break barriers and leave them behind, about being accepted and spreading love. My job as a PCV is more than whats stated in a manual or brochure. It is about breaking down stereotypes associated with me and showing people how to love treat, enjoy and respect one another (Though I am still working on a baby I know who after a year still gets scared when he sees me :-/ ). I don't want to be the "standard" for which all people of color are judged, but I do want to be the standard for which all people "like me" are respected.
My privilege is sometimes burdensome, but in other moments it provides me with unique opportunities to meet people in a manner others don't have the ability to. I will continue to learn to wear my privilege proudly and will use it to make a change, even if it doesn't allow me to make differences where I want, a difference can be made. That keeps me going because others weren't afforded the opportunity to even acknowledge theirs, so for that I must continue work that is bigger than me.
So we don't forget here are some of their names: Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Mike Brown and all those who the news cycle didn't acknowledge - Love.
- Ashley
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